


I Know Dick But I Don’t Know Face

by LainellaFay



Category: Naruto
Genre: Attempt at Humor, I'm Bad At Tagging, If you get the reference to the title feel free to let me know, Multi, it's an old joke but this fic is written long ago I just forgot about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 08:51:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19103785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LainellaFay/pseuds/LainellaFay
Summary: Literally as the title says.In other words, Uzumaki Naruto sees Kakashi and Gai do the nasty, gets traumatised, has a light-bulb moment, drags Sakura, Sasuke and Ino into his mess, and everything does not turn out right (for him).





	I Know Dick But I Don’t Know Face

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all. I just posted a Kakashi at Hogwarts crossover (shameless advertising!) which I will link here:  
> [Wander](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19101043/chapters/45383962)
> 
> This is another piece of writing that I wrote a long time ago but never felt satisfied with the ending so I did not get round to posting it. I just re-read it ( _I'm going on a reading spree from my own folders, so what, sue me_ ) and thought, _screw it, let's just post it_ because why let such things rot in my folders? 
> 
> I actually told people that I was writing this ages ago on tumblr: [look here it is](https://lainellafay.tumblr.com/post/176663090879/lainellafay-lainellafay-lainellafay)
> 
> If anyone saw the post and remembers it, good on you! It is finally here! Unbeta'd and unedited. I'm sorry.
> 
> Hope you enjoy! Let work kill me now!

The heavy rain finally peters out. A rainbow blooms in its wake across the clearing sky. Chirping birds rise out of their hiding places within the trees, flying over the roofs of the hidden village.

A boy in an orange and black jumpsuit jumps across the buildings, laughing loudly as the birds squawk at the intruder in their midst. _Perfect weather for some post-rain ramen,_ Uzumaki Naruto grins at the thought of the delicacy, his stomach making a growl of agreement.

 _Oops!_ Naruto slips on the wet surface of a roof tile and pinwheels his arms for balance. The momentum he had going didn’t help him and he skidded down the side of the building, crashing into a disgruntled shop owner who was resetting his store due to the rain. “ _Naruto!_ ” The store owner bellows as the boy chuckles in embarrassment and dashes out of the crime scene.

“ _Sorry_!” He yells behind his back and with a few jumps, he continues his race across the rooftops. Ramen awaits. Naruto flies past the Academy, smiling at the cheerful sounds of young students splashing in the puddles in the courtyard. Peacetime makes a good environment for impressionable minds. He sees a couple of kunai being thrown around and the replacement jutsu being used in a game of _Ninja Tag_ but they _are_ a ninja village after all. Basic fighting skills are mandatory. The kids are having fun and not on the war zones, and that’s all that matters. One sharp eyed child spots him and points at the flashing figure, shouting, “It’s the Hero!”

His voice calls the rest of the students over and Naruto waves happily at the children fawning over seeing the Hero of the World—a title he didn’t understand, because he wasn’t fighting _alone_ , but Sakura smacked him in the arm (not gently by any means, he still has the indent of her fist in his left bicep and it’s a bitch to explain _why_ every time someone asks so he sticks to wearing long sleeves) and told him to accept it. It was easier that way, Kakashi-sensei had also remarked, ruffling his head like he was still a small, naive genin. Easier to dump a title on someone so when it comes to celebrations they had someone to thank, praise, and honour for saving their lives. And it would be the tradition for a lifetime to come, even when nobody remembers the war that had nearly ended the world and the hero they are to celebrate.

Naruto falls to a stop on a lamppost in front of the Hokage tower. He folds his arms across his chest and hums. _Growl,_ his stomach protests at being forced to wait while Naruto finishes contemplating or what not. To it, ramen was substance and essential to survival and like a spoilt brat, it wanted ramen _now_. The boy pats his grumping gut in an attempt to soothe it and muses, _I should invite the rest for ramen. It’ll be more fun with all of us together!_

Naruto grins at his awesome idea and swoops down onto the pavement, running into the Hokage Tower and reminiscent to his childhood days, started howling for the Hokage. The Chuunins at the mission desk scramble frantically for their flying papers and mission scrolls when the hurricane that was Uzumaki Naruto blew past. Many glares are sent in his wake but Naruto paid them no mind, he only has one goal and that is to find the Hokage—Kakashi-sensei! Naruto rounds the stairs of the Hokage tower and up to the top where he then slams open the doors to the Hokage office like a boss. Only...it’s empty—most definitely missing the person he was searching for.

“Oi oi, don’t tell me he’s shirking off,” Naruto mutters to himself with a frown. His stomach growls like the Kyuubi when woken up in the wee hours of the night at this _utter waste of time_ and Naruto is beginning to agree—he could have been eating his second bowl of ramen right now! Naruto shakes his head and reminds himself that food with friends always taste ten times better.

Footsteps echo behind him, the lazy drag in them telling of their owner. Nara Shikamaru yawns as he rounds the bend, a free hand scratching at the base of his unruly ponytail and the other holding a large stack of papers against his chest. “Naruto?” The Hokage’s advisor asks, squinting with his eyes crusty from his afternoon nap. “What are you doing here?”

“Shikamaru!” Naruto replies with enthusiasm. Way too much for the half-awake Nara and the pineapple haired man scoots three feet back. “Where’s Kakashi-sensei?”

“The ANBU guards said he’s at Gai-sensei’s. He took the time off when it started to rain, saying, I quote unquote: _My signatures will only get soggy in this weather_ and then he jumped out the window. I think he actually said _toodles_ before he left but I might have been dreaming,” Shikamaru answers nonchalantly with a shrug. He had curved around Naruto as he spoke and now stands in front of the Hokage’s desk, where he dumps the stack of paperwork onto. “None of my business really, as long as he gets all this signed by today.”

“Huh. Bushy brows sensei’s house.” Naruto forms a mental map of the village and locates Gai-sensei’s new home on it, planning the shortest route from it to Konoha’s main hospital, the ANBU barracks (which really should be _classified_ but it’s _Uzumaki Naruto, the future Hokage, believe it_! so they left this information leak unpunished), and finally to Ichiraku Ramen. “Okay—okay, yup. Thanks Shikamaru!” Naruto shouts as he races back down the stairs and out of the tower.

“Yeah yeah,” he hears Shikamaru mumble behind him and chuckles.

Naruto leaps into the air and scares off another flock of birds, cutting through the designed roads by taking the paths of the roofs—the route of a ninja. He approaches Gai-sensei’s home swiftly. The man’s home had been relocated after the injury to his leg from opening the Eight Gates under the Fifth and Sixth’s Hokages orders despite the youthful man’s arguments that climbing up four flights of stairs aids his Rejuvenating Recovery. Now, Gai-sensei’s home rests cozily on the ground floor of a two story apartment, though Naruto suspects he owns both levels, seeing as there never was any complaints about the noise the man surely makes in the comfort of his own dwelling.

He picks out the hiding spots of the Hokage’s ANBU guards in an instant, despite their suppressed chakra presences—a perk from literally being an reincarnation of a god, and his own hard-work because he fucking trained his brains out for that Sage Mode, dammit. Yamato-taichou is hiding in a tree; literally, the man’s sunk into the tree and if the tree could walk, he’d be a moving tree with a face in the middle of the trunk. A scary thought. _Ramen!_ Naruto mimes with eager slurping motions. He assumes Yamato-taichou understands from the faint rustle of the tree branches and gives an energetic thumbs up, enough to rival Bushy brows sensei’s Nice Guy pose. The tree shakes a bit more vigorously and Naruto grimaces, raising his hands in surrender and leaves the hidden ANBU Captain alone. 

Without wasting another second, his stomach will start eating him from within if he delays any further, Naruto bursts through the front door and chases the chakra signatures of the two teachers (“We haven’t been teachers in years, Naruto,” Kakashi-sensei always says in resignation while Gai-sensei booms with laughter in the background: “Our teachings last a lifetime, Rival!”) into a room. “Kakashi-sensei! Let’s go eat—” Naruto hurls open the door, only for the rest of his sentence to die out with his brain.

The two men pause in the middle of their vigorous...workout. Gai-sensei returns Naruto’s mortification while Kakashi-sensei merely turns his head and sheepishly smiles. “Ah...Naruto. Oops?” Kakashi-sensei says, as though he’s talking about the weather and isn’t butt naked and atop his Eternal Rival. Gai-sensei is gaping like a goldfish, red as beet, his hands tied together to the frame of the bed.

Naruto is rooted for a good three seconds before his brain splutters back to life and he hightails it out of the house, screaming bloody murder with his head clasped between his hands.

 

* * *

 

He’s slumped over the counter and crying into his third bowl of noodles; snot and tears fall into the bowl but Naruto eats regardless. The owner, Teuchi, and his daughter, Ayame, watch over the crying boy worriedly.

“What do you think happened?” Ayame whispers to her father as he serves up another bowl of ramen for Naruto. Said boy wastes no time in switching the empty bowl for the full one and starts sobbing into _that_ as well. 

“Not a clue...talk to him? He looks like he needs a human’s touch. Something other than ramen.” Teuchi nudges his daughter towards the front of the counter. “You’re good at this.”

She shoots her father a glare and the man pretends to be busy cooking. Naruto coughs as he chokes on a mouthful, snot and saliva flying in all directions. Ayame grimaces and makes note to clean the counter thoroughly once their favourite—not so much right now—customer leaves. “Naruto-kun?” she says.

Naruto doesn’t seem to hear her however. He’s lost in his thoughts and other than crying hysterically, Ayame hears him muttering about curses, bleach, Kakashi-sensei, and dicks in incoherent sentences. The last word is most concerning. Ayame retreats and jabs her father in the middle of his back, where he jumps and groans at the act. “I think we need reinforcements.” 

“Like what? The Hokage?”

Ayame purses her lips, remembering Naruto’s mumblings. “Probably not. What about Sakura-chan? Or Hinata-chan? Or that other teammate of his, not the Uchiha. The pale one.” Her momentarily struggle to remember the last member of Team 7’s name is interrupted by the flags of their store being parted. Like the heaven’s blessing, Haruno Sakura walks in with the last Uchiha.

“Hi Teuchi-san, Ayame-san!” Sakura greets with a bow. Uchiha Sasuke merely gives them a nod, his exposed eye (really, they’re just taking after their genin teachers, each and every one of them. Ayame shivers at the thought of two green jumpsuits often seen running past her store back in the days.) passing over them with disinterest.

“Hello, Sakura-chan,” Ayame returns. She purposefully ignores the Uchiha and smiles serenely. “Just in time. There’s a bit of a problem.”

“Hm?” Sakura questions. She raises an eyebrow and surveys the small shop, gaze falling onto her blond, crying teammate and sighs. “Never mind. I see it.”

Ayame giggles. “If you’ll please.”

Sakura rolls up her right sleeve and flexes. Muscles bulge menacingly from that tiny arm of hers and she presses her left fingers on her bicep. The air cools drastically and the Uchiha slinks to a corner, slouching against the wooden frame of the ramen store. Pink hair rise with a surge of chakra and with a burst of light, a fist slams straight into the top of Naruto’s head. The boy is practically face dunked into his ramen and there is total silence for a few seconds; Teuchi and Ayame both worried about the life of their favourite (and most profitable) customer whilst his teammates wait patiently for a response, knowing he’ll bounce back from that light tap.

“OW! What the hell’s that for, Sakura?!” Naruto exclaims, clutching the top of his head where a lump is starting to form. There are strands of ramen hanging from the bridge of his nose and his eyelashes while soup drips from the entirety of his head. The boy gasps at the mess that was his ramen and jumps to his feet, pointing a finger at his teammate. “You _ruined_ my _ramen!_ ”

“You wanna say that again?” Sakura threatens, bringing attention to her bulked arm as she rotates it in gentle motions. “I didn’t ruin your damn ramen. _You_ were ruining it _yourself_ by crying into it and scaring other customers away with your ugly mug!”

“Says _ugly_ ,” Naruto mocks. He got another whack for that, right across the face this time, and went sailing into the other end of the shop.

“You’re fucking dead, stupid. The hell, Yamato-taichou told us you were calling us for ramen and we came and we see you here lamenting over I don’t know what and you have the bloody cheek to talk back?!” 

“You don’t know what I went through!” Naruto shouts back. It’s not the words, but rather _Naruto shouting back at Sakura_ that raises all sorts of alarm within them. It even causes Sasuke to straighten from his slouch against the wooden structure.

“Dead last, explain,” the once silent Uchiha says, no, demands. 

Naruto realises his actions and deflates, sinking down into the stool. Teuchi is ever efficient and has already replaced the ruined ramen with another steaming hot bowl. The boy stuffs another mouthful into his black hole of a stomach and _whimpers_. “Kakashi-sensei...”

“Kakashi?” Sasuke asks, narrowing his eyes. Had there been an attack on the Hokage? No, there would have been a village wide alarm, unless they were being secretive for some reason... 

“...and Bushy brows sensei—“

“Just get on with it already, for goodness sake!” Sakura throws her arms up, exasperated. She falls into the stool beside Naruto and rests her cheek on her fist, glaring holes into the blond. Despite her casual stance, her chakra is tense.

Naruto continues to shove noodles into his mouth. His eyes are glistening with tears again and it makes each second more unbearable as their minds think up more and more devastating news. Suddenly, he grasps his head and screams, half-chewed ramen spewing in all directions. “Bleach! I need to bleach my brain! I can’t stop remembering, why can’t I stop remembering. Oh my god.” 

“Remember _what?!”_ Sakura shakes her teammate by the shoulders. Sasuke has his hand on the hilt of his sword and is grim, more than usual at that.

“Dick,” the boy mutters in sheer terror, “butt. Up. AHHHH!”

“Oh my god, did you dream of Kakashi-sensei and Gai-sensei having sex?” Sakura asks, laughter clouding her words. “Like _that’ll_ ever happen, idiot.”

Naruto jerks in his seat. His eyes are wide and sparkling with new found revelation. “Holy shit. _Holy shit!_ ” he says, volume increasing with each syllable. Slurping up the remainder of his ramen, Naruto passes the empty bowl back to Teuchi with a _thank you_ and grabs Sakura by the shoulders. Leaning in so close to her face that has her blinking in confusion, Naruto asks excitedly, “Sakura! Where’s Ino?”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“The ramen finally got to his head,” Sasuke scoffs. 

“Shut up, bastard,” Naruto snips back. “It’s a matter of life and death, Sakura, where is she?”

“The flower shop,” Sakura answers, “but why—“ Naruto whoops with delight, cutting her off, and begins to sprint off. “Hey! Naruto! What the hell?!”

The blond is but a speck in the distance. Sakura yells with rage and stamps her feet, the ground cracking beneath her. “I’m gonna rip his head off and feed it to Akamaru, that fucking idiot,” she curses. During her feat of anger, Sasuke had already left in pursuit of their teammate. Sakura, upon noticing his absence, clenches her fist and smiles tightly. Turning to Ayame and Teuchi, she says, “Can you believe them? I can’t believe it. What the fuck. _Boys._ ”

Teuchi chuckles nervously and surveys the damage at her feet. Sakura spots his gaze and leaps back. “Ah, I’m so sorry! Naruto’ll pay for all the damages when I’m done with him. Just put it on his bill. I’m going to catch the two idiots now, bye!”

 

* * *

 

Naruto is brandishing a contract written on an old wrinkly ramen bill he found in his pocket in Ino’s face when Sasuke catches up to him.

“Dead last,” the Uchiha says sternly. “Stop being a complete imbecile and explain yourself.”

“That’s right, Naruto!” Ino agrees, flapping the offending paper away. “Get out of my face, jeez. I’m busy.”

“Ino, please. I _really_ need your help. The world will _end_ if you don’t,” Naruto begs, ignoring Sasuke. The latter grits his teeth. “But you can’t tell _anyone_. Better yet, erase your memory after, it’s for your own sake. Look, just sign this and help me, please please? I’ll get Sai to go on a date with you. Or better yet, Sasuke!” 

“Oi!” both Sasuke and Sakura, who had just arrived, exclaims. She had only caught the last two sentence but it was enough to make her eyelids twitch. Sakura closes the distance between her and Naruto and punches him out of the store. “Sorry about that idiot,” she says to Ino with a sickly sweet smile, “but you’re _not_ dating Sasuke-kun.”

“Hn.”

Ino is too stunned by the events happening one by one to react, and she comes from a clan of mind readers. Sakura whirls towards Sasuke and says, “You’re not off the hook either.”

Naruto comes bounding back. “Never mind that! But Ino-chan! _Please?_ ”

“You haven’t told us what’s this about yet,” Sakura points out. “If there’s a danger to Kakashi-sensei and Gai-sensei, you should let us know now.”

“Danger?” Naruto asks. “No, not _bad_ bad. No one’s dying—“ ( _except my eyes_ , he mutters under his breath) “—but it’s a matter of life and death regardless! A once in a lifetime opportunity, Sakura!” He slings an arm over her shoulders and points to the ceiling. “Think of the possibilities!” 

“Ooh, a secret?” Ino asks, leaning forwards with interest. “Get your pale teammate at the BBQ restaurant tomorrow at three and we’ll start talking business.”

Naruto vigorously shakes his head. “No, no. It can’t wait. I can’t sleep with this in my head. You need to do it _now_ and then erase the memory from both our minds.” 

“Naruto...”

“Yeah, Sakura-chan?”

“Get off me.”

“Ah, yes.” The blond backs away swiftly. “Sorry.”

“Then the deal’s off,” Ino says with a shrug. “I’m not _that_ desperate. He’ll fall to my charms eventually.” 

Sakura coughs into her hand. “ _Over confident,”_ she mumbles into it. Ino hears her and turns at glare at her direction. Good old rivalry. Much like Naruto and Sasuke—speaking of which, the Uchiha has Naruto in a headlock and is grinding a fist into the top of the blond’s head. 

“What did you see anyway, Naruto?” Sakura asks, breaking the two boys apart. “Must be something if you’re this desperate.”

Naruto scrunches up his face, deep in thought. He grimaces first before lighting up. A grin grows cheekily on his face and he waggles his eyebrows, like the late Jiraiya when a bathhouse is in the vicinity. “You won’t believe it. You’re never going to believe it.”

“What’s with that expression...”

Naruto laughs menacingly. “You two are going to be shocked. Also, I win, so pay up yeah? Sasuke, you owe me ten ramen. Sakura...what was your bet again? Four ramen?”

“I don’t owe you shit,” Sasuke says. He turns away and folds his arms across his chest, puffing up like an offended rooster. Shame he grew out his hair. “The only bet we made was for seeing Kakashi’s face and you sure as hell _didn’t_ , dead last.”

Naruto triumphantly points a finger at the Uchiha. “Think again, loser!”

“No way.”

“Yes way.”

“Where’s your proof?” Sakura interrupts. “All of us can say we saw Kakashi-sensei’s face so you gotta _prove_ it.”

Naruto turns to look at Ino. The girl raises her hands. “What?” Ino says. “I’m not part of this.”

“That’s why I need you!”

“You need me to see under the Hokage’s mask? You said you saw it already.”

“Well, yes, but—ughhh!!” Naruto groans, grabbing his head. “I know I saw it! But I don’t remember it.”

“Expected,” Sasuke scoffs. 

“Shut up! At least I _saw_ it. _You’re_ still stuck at Go.” 

“Ino, you can show a person’s recent memories to a group of people with your clan’s technique, right?” Sakura asks. 

“It’s not easy, but yeah.” 

“Show us. Sasuke will go on a date with you.”

“Hey—“ 

“Pimping out your boyfriend?” Ino laughs. “I’m honestly not _that_ desperate, stupid. But you’ve got me curious now. Fine, Naruto, I’m in.”

“Yes!” Naruto jumps with a fist pump. He whips out the contract once more, crossing out a line and scribbling over it, and thrusts it at Ino. “But sign this.”

Ino groans and grabs the paper. She scans the words briefly and says, “I don’t get the point of all this secrecy though. Why do I have to erase our memories? What’s the point?” 

Sakura peeks over Ino’s shoulder and agrees. “Yeah, that’s just stupid, Naruto. How are we going to remember Kakashi-sensei’s face then?”

Naruto cringes. “You’ll thank me. And partial maybe? Can you do that? Just leave the memory of Kakashi-sensei’s face and minus the rest?”

Ino stares at him. “I’m good but I’m not magic,” she deadpans. Naruto begins to slump in dejection when she beams. “Kidding, I _am_ magic. You’re lucky my dad taught me before the war. I’m the only one who knows that technique now.”

All three pairs of eyes light up at those words. Sasuke realises his actions and coughs awkwardly into his hand, turning away. Naruto beams from ear to ear and is trembling with excitement, “Let’s get on with it! Quick, Ino, sign it!”

Ino rolls her eyes and pulls a pen out of her apron pocket. “Hold your horses,” she drawls, signing the paper with a flourish, a thin thread of chakra binding with the ink. “We need to find a quiet place. As you can see,” she gestures to the shop where some customers had been gawking at them for a good half hour they had been there, “this isn’t the place. I’ll keep this by the way, you’re only going to get it lost and I’m not having taking any chances that this will be used against me by someone else. We’ll destroy it after all the details are fulfilled.”

Naruto shrugs and bounces in place. “My house’s the nearest. Come on!” He’s running off in a flash, and Sakura rests a palm over her forehead, feeling the pressure build underneath.

“There he goes again, that asshole.” Her grumbles did not last very long however, as she is undeniably excited about the near future as well. The anticipation is killing her. Sasuke’s walking a bit stiffly as he tries to contain his curiosity out of the flower shop, after Naruto. “We’ll be borrowing Ino!” Sakura yells at nobody in particular and grasps her friend by the wrist, pulling her past Sasuke and down the street in a rush to Naruto’s apartment despite the blond’s splutters ( _“I’m still wearing my apron—what the—“)._

 

* * *

 

They’re finally settled in the middle of Naruto’s living area, sat in a small circle; empty ramen cups and magazines shoved to the corner from where they had previously littered the floor. Ino instructs them to place their hands in each other and to connect their chakra, so she can pull all of them along for the ride. 

Naruto grips Sasuke’s shoulder as the bastard decided to go on with one-arm forever and refrains from vibrating too much. Sakura’s already complained despite her similar state and he’s not going to risk a hole in his walls—his landlord will not be pleased.

Ino breathes in deeply and places a palm on Naruto’s forehead. “Okay. Ready?”

“Always, believe it!”

“Alright. Now focus on the memory, think only of that and nothing else. I’ll latch on to it and if we get this right, we’ll all be in your mind space.”

“Don’t think I’ve been thinking of anything other than that to be honest,” Naruto replies, a little disgusted. 

“I don’t know how you saw Kakashi-sensei but it better not be dirty,” Ino threatens, “I’m going to scramble your brain while I’m inside if it is.”

Naruto flinches and leans back from her palm. He peeks an eye open and looks at her warily. Irritated, Ino snaps, “Don’t suddenly move! I lost concentration!”

“Hurry on already, stupid,” Sasuke grumbles, as though he has other more important things to be doing—which he _doesn’t!_ Naruto knows, so he shouldn’t be the one complaining! 

“But I don’t want you to scramble my brains,” Naruto says carefully.

“Oh my god, it’s dirty?” Sakura asks.

Naruto avoids eye contact and scratches his cheek. He doesn’t answer.

“Fucking shit, it is!” Ino points at him. “And you didn’t think to tell me beforehand?!” 

“I didn’t think it was important!”

“Like hell it isn’t!”

Sakura narrows her eyes and she muses over the two’s argument. “Wait,” she says as she comes to a conclusion, “did you really see Kakashi-sensei and Gai-sensei having sex?”

“ _What!_ ” Ino screeches, but for a completely different reason to before. “They’re together? Shit, this is a scoop.”

Sasuke grimaces. “That trashy rag is yours?”

“Duh. And you know about it too so don’t go round calling it trashy when you read it,” Ino says.

“I don’t—“ Sasuke splutters. “It’s only because you write rumours about me!”

“Ah, _those_ ones,” Ino mutters, tapping her chin.

“Enough, enough,” Sakura intervenes. “More importantly, _Kakashi-Sensei and Gai-sensei?!_ ”

Naruto sheepishly chuckles. “Um, yeah? I didn’t mean to! I didn’t know they were doing the nasty—“ he blanches at the memory “—but if we get to see Kakashi-sensei’s face...it’s worth it...?”

Sakura frowns. “It feels weird knowing we’re going to see things that should be kept private but we’ll never know how Kakashi-sensei looks like otherwise!”

Naruto nods vigorously in agreement. Ino prods her cheek with her tongue, her arms folded across her chest. “I’ll erase those dirty scenes according to the—“ she narrows her eyes at Naruto “—contract. So we won’t remember _that_ , thank heavens for small mercies.”

“I did say you’d be better off not remembering.”

“Yeah,” Sasuke drawls, tone dripping with sarcasm, “thanks for the warning. Were you going to tell us when our eyes have been burnt inside our lids or before?”

Naruto merely grins in reply. If he suffered and survived, just barely, they will too. Besides, sacrifices have to be made, and they did say they wanted proof. He’ll give it to them. Sakura sighs and they return to their positions, hands connected, eyes closed.

“Everyone’s mentally ready?” Ino snarks, focusing her chakra into her palm that’s resting against Naruto’s foreheads. The series of scoffs are her only response and she continues, “Naruto, you know what to do.”

“Do I really?” Naruto jokes, but shuts up and focuses on the memory when Ino sends a small electric shot into his body.

Seconds later, he blinks open his eyes and sees _himself._ Him running on the rooftops, a replay of his actions earlier that day. Naruto smiles wide and looks around him, pleased to see his teammates and Ino by his side. “Hey, it worked!”

“Of course it did,” Ino replies. “I did it.”

Past-Naruto is approaching Gai-sensei’s home, and Naruto rubs his hands with glee, leaning forwards with his whole body. They watch as Past-Naruto had a silent conversation with the hiding Yamato and all of them holds their breath as he reaches the front door. It’s happening, they’re finally going to see it. After years and years of endless torture, they are finally going to see underneath Kakashi-sensei’s mask!

Past-Naruto slams the front door open and runs through the house into a room. Naruto immediately shouts, “Ino, slow it down!”

Ino immediately gets to it and focuses on her chakra, lowering the speed of the replay to half. The wait is agonising, the door Past-Naruto hurls open moves in utterly slow motion, and the first thing the mind riders are faced with is—bare skin, butts, dicks, ropes, just to name a few. Sasuke snarls, Naruto groans at the image before his eyes again, and Sakura is strangely intrigued. Ino whacks Naruto in the arm for making her view the scene of Kakashi-sensei riding Gai-sensei’s dick when suddenly, the memory fizzles out into blurred lines and pale skin and strangely, a very clear image of...dicks.

“What’s happening?” Sakura asks Ino, who only shrugs in response.

“Ah,” Naruto remarks, scratching at his head, “I think my brain kinda died out right here.”

The three stare at him, full of judgement. Naruto squawks and argues, “It was a traumatic experience!”

“Never mind,” Ino says in resignation. “I’ll try to sharpen this moment— _away_ from the penises which Naruto seemed to be laser focused on—“ ( _“you try walking in on them and see what you notice,” Naruto says in defence)_ “—which really, is there something you want to tell Hinata? Give me a min.”

Sakura kicks Naruto in the shin through their mental bond whilst Sasuke remarks, failing to hide his uneasiness in his tone, on her indifference in seeing the male privates. Ino makes small humming noises as she fiddles with Naruto’s memory. He wonders if she’s really actually scrambling his brains in disguise of concentration. 

“I’m a medic-nin, I see and handle penises of all kinds on a daily basis,” Sakura answers Sasuke with a raised brow. “Feeling inadequate?”

Sasuke splutters. “ _What!”_

“I’m joking.”

“Alright guys, I’ve got it!” Ino says. As they put their conversation on hold and fall in, she continues, “It’s not the best—there’s only so much I can do when Naruto wasn’t paying attention to the details in the first place, but it should be sufficient to get what we came for.”

The three holds their breath and stares ahead with wide eyes, fearful to blink and miss the once in a lifetime opportunity before them. The memory resumes with Ino’s command and the scene drags upwards slowly, following Past-Naruto’s eyes. The tension in their shared mind space intensify, as the memory inches closer towards their Jounin teacher’s face. 

Shoulders, check, come on, higher, neck, check, okay, a little bit more, come on Past-Naruto!

Unbeknownst to them, they had all subconsciously gripped each other’s hands (mental space hands) tightly as they fought against the suspenseful moment.

Up, up, their eyes follow—

Buck teeth? Fish lips? Which is it? Which of the rumours are true?

—and they are faced with a masked Kakashi. He’s looking at Past-Naruto over his shoulder, still clearly wearing his mask.

Sakura screams in dismay. Ino’s jutsu breaks from the chaos happening within and Sakura starts pounding Naruto in the arm, not before Sasuke slams his palm into their teammate’s face. Ino stares at the fight going on in front of her before sighing, resting her hands on her thighs as she sits cross-legged, thinking about wasted opportunities. Kakashi-sensei’s face shall remain a mystery for another day—now what topic would be good to fill that last section in her magazine: Iruka-sensei’s wild nights with one Mitarashi Anko? Or perhaps, about the ghost sighting in the ANBU T&I? Maybe she’ll make up something about Sakura being pregnant with the Last Uchiha, that’ll be a scoop.

Sudden heat burns in her breast pocket. Ino curses, pulling out the contract before it can singe her skin. It’s a bright orange glow—trust Naruto to make _everything_ orange, shining brighter with each pulse. “Guys! Guys! Stop, I have to erase our memories!”

“—wasn’t, I don’t know why but I swear he wasn’t—“

“—waste of time—“

“Guys!” Ino yells, flaring her chakra. She debates sending small electric jolts at them when they failed to listen. She doesn’t have to however, because the contract starts to vibrate crazily and fly across the room, smacking the creator in the face. Naruto yelps as the burn kicks in and throws the contract as far as he could, only for it to return with a vengeance. Ino feels like she should be concerned, but she doesn’t, not really. “We have to complete the contract,” she says calmly. She’s in the eye of the storm, calm and collect.

“Okay! Okay! Quick! I don’t think even Sakura can heal me if this goes on anymore." 

“I wouldn’t even bother,” Sakura remarks, dropping down beside Ino on the floor.

“Sakura-chan...” Naruto half whines. The contract thankfully left him alone when it is clear they were about to fulfill it.

It doesn’t take Ino long, just a bit of handholding, a few seconds of silence and _voila!—_ the dirty images are gone. Naruto is visibly relaxed. He smiles and thanks Ino, bending down on one knee, “Praise the creator of your clan’s jutsu, I’m free from the terror! My eyes are cured, the flowers are blooming and ramen is calling!”

“Yeah yeah,” Ino says, pushing herself up and walks over to the contract lying on the floor. She cautiously grabs it and when deemed safe, viciously tears it into pieces, like confetti. “I gotta get back to the shop. Bye losers.”

“Who’re you calling—!” Sasuke starts but Ino is gone with a puff of smoke, scattering dried autumn leaves on Naruto’s floor. 

Naruto glances at the mess that is his apartment and says, “So...ramen anyone?” 

Sakura and Sasuke sighs in unison. “Fine, but you’re paying,” Sakura answers, pushing the blond out of the front door by his shoulders. “And the damages.”

Naruto furrows his eyebrows. “What damages?”

“You’ll see.”

 

* * *

 

The next morning is met with a summons, directly from the Hokage’s ninken. Naruto is woken abruptly by teeth chomping on his shin and drool on his face. Running his hand down his face, wiping the excess drool onto his pajamas, Naruto shoos Bull off his bed and prepares for the morning. Or tried to, before Bull pounced on him and dragged him towards the Hokage tower by his pajama collar in all his morning bedhead and unkept glory. 

“What’s the deal? A mission for us, old—“ Naruto whinges as he enters the Hokage office, finally released from Bull’s sharp canines, faltering upon seeing Kakashi’s narrowed eyes. The boy sheepishly chuckles, scratching at his cheek. “Sorry, Kakashi-sensei, habit. You’re old but you’re not _old—_ shutting up, yup, lips zipped, believe it. Sai, you’re here too! What’s up, ya dickhead!”

“Smooth,” Sasuke coughs into his hand, earning him a glare from the blond. 

“Did you even wash up, Naruto?” Sakura asks, wrinkling her nose. 

Kakashi lifts his hands above the table, palms facing the ceiling. He makes a small hum of contemplation and says, “You’re not here for a mission.” Seeing his old team’s confused expressions, he explains further, “It’s lesson time! I think you’ll be greatly interested in the topic today.” The Hokage then rests his head on his hand, smiling behind his mask, eyes curving in small crescents. “I’ll give you three guesses.” 

“Ooh ooh, I know I know!” Naruto answers excitably, punching at invisible enemies and bouncing on his feet. “Ninjutsu? Are we gonna blow something up? Some new fancy move? Kakashi-sensei~ You haven’t been hiding something up your sleeve have you?”

“Wrong. Two guesses.”

Naruto makes to answer again but Sakura slams a hand over his mouth and hisses, “Don’t you dare.”

“Do we get hints?” Sai asks. “It’s a bit broad. All the books I have read on riddles gave clues that were logical to work through.”

“I have. It’s a lesson and a topic you’ll find highly interesting,” Kakashi replies, still with the irking smile on his face. “Especially after _yesterday’s_ events,” he adds with emphasis. 

“You literally gave us a lecture on Konoha’s property law last week and called it a lesson,” Sasuke deadpans. “You also said it was exciting. With you, anything under the sun goes.”

“Didn’t it help you greatly with your clan compound, Sasuke-kun?”

“Tch.” 

Kakashi looks at their lacklustre expressions and sighs. “Very well. Kurenai and the Yamanaka clan.” 

“Kurenai-sensei is well known for her genjutsu,” Sakura muses, still keeping a firm hold over Naruto’s mouth. Not an easy feat, for her teammate is struggling like a fish on land—slippery and hard to predict. “And the mind-transfer jutsu is unique to the Yamanaka clan...but how does the two relate?” 

“A form of T&I tactics?” Sai ponders, his fingers tapping against his chin. “In ROOT, all agents have to learn about torture and interrogation. Infusing genjutsu and showcasing the criminal’s darkest fear _inside_ their minds using the mind-transfer jutsu would surely break the toughest of opponents. Is that what the lesson is, Hokage-sama?”

“Just Kakashi,” the man says, his tone indicating that it was for the hundredth time. “Close, but not quite, Sai. Good effort. Last chance. Better put on those thinking caps, kids.” 

“Wait,” Sakura says, commanding the attention of all the boys in the room. “Earlier, you said something about _yesterday’s_ events. What does yesterday got to do with—“ She stops mid-sentence, eyes widening with realisation. 

“Sakura-chan?” Naruto asks, voice muffled behind her slackening palm.

“Yesterday?” Sai asks with a tilt of his head, curious. “I was on regular guard duty. Did something happen on your side?”

“Nothing but a waste of time,” Sasuke replies. “This idiot thought he—wait. _Wait._ ”

Unable to contain himself any longer, Naruto squirms out of the stunned Sakura’s grip and yells into the Uchiha’s face, “What! What is it?”

Sasuke shoves the blonde’s head away with a grimace. “Morning breath, you idiot. Get out of my face.”

Sakura clears her throat, recovering from her mental shutdown. Standing tall and straight, she carefully phrases her words, and says, “Kakashi-sensei. Is it...is it possible to alter a memory using genjutsu?” 

“How to you propose?” Kakashi asks cheerfully. 

"The Yamanaka clan's mind-transfer jutsu is a highly complex jutsu. It allows the user to enter the mind of their target and control their body and mind. Most commonly used in T&I to pull information from enemies. However, this jutsu also has its weak points. From past research, collecting information using the mind-transfer jutsu is only effective if the truth is what the target believes to be the truth. Back in the Third Great NInja War, there had been records of information that did not coincide with future events because the information pulled out of the targets are false--in other words, the targets believed them to be the truth, but the enemies had been one step ahead of us and planted different information in selected groups and went with a different plan instead. Adding genjutsu into the equation would not only allow one to protect the details of target's mind, but also divert the user's attention from the important issues, or make them view something different. There has not been records of this occurring because the Yamanaka clan's mind-transfer jutsu renders the target helpless in their own body so they are unlikely to be able to make hand seals for a genjutsu."

Kakashi nods and motions for Sakura to go on. She fidgets and bites down onto her bottom lip, whirling the gears in her mind faster.

"A possibility would be for the target to already have had genjutsu placed on them, before they are captured by the mind-transfer jutsu. Due to the versatility of genjutsu, there are many variations on how it would impact on the mind-transfer jutsu." Here she wavers, unsure of how to continue.

Kakashi hums, sensing her discomfort. "Close enough. Well done, Sakura." Reaching into his sleeve, Kakashi pulls out a scroll and throws it onto the table. "Do not open this until you've completed your task. Ino has already been informed. You can find her at Training Ground 3. Lesson is over, kiddos!"

"I've learnt nothing," Naruto quips.

Sakura picks the scroll up and nods, glaring at Kakashi for good measure. She has a rough inkling of what he meant by the previous day's events if she is on the right track. Kakashi forbade them to witness his face on purpose, using a form of genjutsu. She doesn't know _how_ but she hopes this scroll will unleash the secrets. 

As they stride out of the Hokage's office as a group, Sai pops up by her side and smiles. "Ugly," he says, "it appears that I have been left out of your friendship bonding activities yesterday. I read a book that said if a person is excluded from their plans and gatherings on purpose, that friendship is false. Am I reading it correctly?"

"You've really got to stop reading trash," Naruto answers instead.

Sai looks over his shoulder and smiles at Naruto. "Did I ask for your opinion, dickless?" 

Naruto stumbles over a step, rolling the rest of the way down. The three _S's_ pass by him, dignified. Three _S's_ , three _asses_ indeed. Huffing, Naruto duplicates himself via the shadow clone technique and they each pounce on their backs, pulling them down onto the floor like he was. Suckers. He then stealthily steals the scroll from Sakura's hand and starts hightailing out of there, initiating a race towards Training Ground 3.

Sasuke wins, eyes smug as he smirks down at a panting Naruto.

Naruto calls foul play; sore losing lightning teleporting bastards.

"You're here," Ino says, her hands on her hips. A flirtatious grin is sent solely towards Sai. " _Hello, mister_."

Naruto mimes gagging, whilst Sakura makes the appropriate noises for his act. Kakashi-sensei must be proud of their teamwork.

"Hello Beautiful," Sai says with his standard smile. It elicits a high-pitched giggle from Ino and another collaborative choke from Naruto and Sakura.

Sasuke, ever the sore thumb, thrusts the scroll Kakashi-sensei gave them at Ino. Stealing from Naruto was easy when the blonde was distracted. "Your job." 

Ino blinks at the scroll and pushes his hand away. "That's not for me. Kakashi-sensei only told me to perform a jutsu on you."

"A jutsu?"

"Yeah,” Ino says with a shrug, “the same as yesterday."

"Of what?" Naruto asks.

"Your meeting with him. Did he not tell you anything?" 

"Since when does that lazy ass teach us anything," Sasuke grumbles.

"Bathing his ninken was a great learning experience," Sai injects.

"Yes, of _How Ninken Also Hates Bathtime 101_."

"Are you here to bicker or what?" Ino asks. "I have an 11 o'clock."

"I agree, we _need_ to find out what Kakashi-sensei meant. If I'm correct, by rights, if it weren't for his trickery, we would have seen Kakashi-sensei's face yesterday," Sakura says, ending the senseless quarrel between the three boys. _Three_ , because Naruto always ended up in messes by sheer living presence. "We should be able to open the scroll after Ino performs the jutsu on us." 

"I guess? But why do we need to watch the meeting again? Nothing happened. We just talked," Naruto wonders. "And I volunteer _not_ to be the one Ino touches again."

" _Don't make it sound weird_!" Ino yells, punting Naruto across the training ground. "He meant touching his forehead for the memory," she clarifies for Sai.

Sai maintains his smile. "I do not see the difference in Dickless's statement."

"I'll do it," Sakura volunteers to hasten the process. She drags Sasuke and Sai down into sitting on the grass and waits for Naruto to bounce back like he always does.

When they are all finally settled and in contact, Ino begins the procedure. The world fizzles around them and they appear in the Hokage's office with their mirror images. Everything is as they'd expect it to be, except... 

_"WHY ARE WE WEARING MASKS?!"_

Ino breaks the connection and they fall into rambling messes. Sakura jumps up and paces a stretch of the training ground. Naruto scratches at the lower half of his face for invisible fabric that _has to be there but where is it?_ Sai is radiating confusion and Sasuke is frowning, glaring holes into the scroll lying innocently on the grass between them.

“Open it.”

Sasuke looks up at the face of a crazed intellect. Sakura stabs her finger in the direction of the scroll and repeats herself. 

Swiftly, Sasuke tugs at the ribbon and unfurls the scroll. Much to their disappointment and growing resentment for their teacher, there lies in big print:

 _Secret, my cute little students_. _Henohenomoheji_.

**Author's Note:**

> If you get the reference to the title, feel free to drop me a comment. Huehue.
> 
> (Hint: I know her ___ but I don't know her ___ )


End file.
